Let’s Get Weird Again—All World All Time Best Song Competition: Both Dakotas

Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so Andrew started a distraction contest to…

…determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan). If you’re confused about why we’re back to A again, well… we need the other side of the field of 64, and now states from the good ol’ US of A will get a chance to play along with the countries we didn’t include last time. Click here for a better explanation.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Anchor of Gold’s raving idiotarods picked “Iditarod Trail Song” by Hobo Jim for Alaska, despite the presence of anything else. The Dakotas also got picked over Brazil and Belgium, so we’re off to a roaring start. Fortunately for you, Anchor of Gold is strapped for content right now and I’m nursing an injury, so you get…whatever I’m about to find.

Update: I could cobble together a passable North Dakota article, but holy crap South Dakota is a horror show. Let’s just get it over with.

1) Rick Pickren (?) – Hail! South Dakota!

I’d like to pretend the random exclamation point in the middle means you’re about to get a Godspeed You! Black Emperor soundalike here. You are not.

They don’t even brag about being the best! It’s just “Hail! South Dakota, a great state of the land.” One of many great states. “Hey New Hampshire, you’re pretty all right too! You too, Vermont!” So Midwestern of them.

I’m having to guess the artist’s name is correct, because Rick Pickren is what came up in Shazam. (Aside: 67 people have looked up this song in Shazam. In related news, the entire state of South Dakota has looked up their state song in Shazam.)

You can think G8rDaver and his daughter’s school project for this inclusion. It’s also really the best thing South Dakota had to offer, so there’s that.

Really, wouldn’t it be great to hear “Yea Alabama” or “Boomer Sooner” done up like this? Yeah, maybe not. What about a Godspeed You! Black Emperor version? Maybe not that either.

2) Wiz Khalifa – See You Again

No, really. He was born in Minot, North Dakota. I know, I couldn’t believe it either, but I double checked and someone actually named a town “Minot.”

I really wanted to go with “Black and Yellow,” but a song about how awesome Pittsburgh is seemed like a bridge too far in a Dakotas entry. So you get the song with (checks YouTube) 6.3 BILLION VIEWS? That’s like as many views as an NAIA semifinal or something.

And someone on Reddit noted that Charlie Puth “exudes all the smouldering sexual charisma of Mister Bean” while singing “inoffensively catchy adult contemporary pop that you’d listen to in a minivan on the way to soccer practice,” so that’s…overt.

3) Peggy Lee – Fever

Not much I can really add here. “Fever” was nominated for Song of the Year at the very first Grammy awards, losing out to “Volare.” It’s been covered by everyone from Elvis to Madonna to Beyoncé. Boney M even did a disco-tinged version.

Lee’s version was actually a cover as well — the original version by Little Willie John hit #1 on the R&B charts two years earlier, and is worth a listen too.

She also co-wrote the music for Lady and the Tramp, sang “He’s a Tramp” for the film, and successfully sued Disney for $2.3 million over home video profits. Maybe I should’ve picked that.

4) Lawrence Welk – Calcutta

PBS DONATION DRIVES: ENGAGE!

This went to #1 on the pop charts in 1960 and it’s here because I hate myself and every single one of you. Also because I had it as a ringtone at one time to annoy coworkers. I hated them too, come to think of it.

I don’t know what a harpsichord lead and a friggin’ accordion having to do with Calcutta. Apparently the original title was “Tivoli Melody,” but I don’t really know what a harpsichord and accordion have to do with a theme park in Copenhagen either. (I just looked up the original version, and God help us all, Lawrence Welk made this rock harder. It’s like hiring Joey Lynch and having him improve your offense.)

You know what, it was the early 60s. People were stupid and just named stuff whatever. I mean, they took a Japanese protest song by Kyu Sakamoto titled “I Look Up as I Walk,” released it in the US as “Sukiyaki” (like the beef dish), and it went to #1 on the Billboard charts.

Now I’m a little disappointed nobody released “Fortunate Son” in Japan and named it “Hamburger.”

5) Lynn Anderson – Rose Garden

According to Wikipedia, Lynn Anderson’s producer initially “rejected the song’s recording because he did not consider it to be a female tune.” So there you go, no matter what you’ve done today, you can feel smarter than that guy. The guy who named a protest song “Sukiyaki” can feel smarter than that guy.

This song hit #1 around the world in 1970, from Canada to New Zealand. One of the biggest crossover country hits of all time, or at least it was until Billboard changed their algorithm and broke the Hot Country Charts a decade ago. Did you know “Meant to Be” by Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line was #1 on that chart for FIFTY weeks straight? Lynn Anderson’s producer can feel smarter than that algorithm’s creator.

This is fantastic. The video is from BBC Top of the Pops and pretty fantastic too.

…you’re going to vote for Hail! South Dakota!, aren’t you?

Shawn Colvin – Sunny Came Home

This is it. This right here is South Dakota’s most famous song. A vehemently milquetoast atrocity whose primary selling point is that it isn’t “Achy Breaky Heart” or “Run-Around” (THERE TOM, I LOOKED UP THE TITLE). This seriously for real won the 1998 Grammy for Best Song, and then got interrupted by ODB reminding us Wu-Tang is for the children.

That was the same year the idiot Grammy voters also decided that the Best Dance Song of 1998 should go to Donna Summer instead of Daft Punk. And then they passed over Daft Punk again the next year for Madonna.

Man, there’s a lot of stupid people in this article.

(looks at author byline) ooooooooooooh

Bobby Vee – Take Good Care of My Baby

If you’ve ever listened to oldies radio, you’ve already heard this a million times.

So, story time: Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash in January 1959 while on a winter concert tour in the Upper Midwest. (Side note: Whoever scheduled that particular tour is the stupidest person of all.) Dion and the Belmonts and Waylon Jennings were also on that tour, and I guess what I’m saying is imagine living somewhere like friggin’ Eau Claire and getting THAT concert in your hometown.

Anyway, also imagine being a 15 year old, you and your buddies are asked to play a concert on 3 hours’ notice, and oh by the way you’re filling in for Buddy Holly. That’s how Bobby Vee and the Shadows got their start, and I think that’s worth a hat tip.